Boundaries without the guilt

In reality, setting boundaries comes naturally to some but for those of us who are used to putting the needs of other people first, it's anything but straightforward.

Just pay attention to what you feel when you think about putting a boundary in place and it'll give you alot of clues. If your mind jumps to making assumptions that the other person will be disappointed, feel let down or think you're being selfish, its a big indicator that you'll struggle more than others to set your own limits.

In fact, when you're able to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you'll realise it's not about shutting people out, it's about creating more space for yourself and giving yourself more energy for honest, sustainable relationships.

What do I need to do if I want to be able to set boundaries in a healthy way.

1 - Recognise your needs or preferences are valid. I often tell my clients "listen to your gut".

If you've spent years being the reasonable, reliable one everyone can rely on, it might feel uncomfortable to prioritise yourself. Don't worry it just takes some practice and it'll feel easier!

2- Check if you have a harsh internal voice that kick-starts that unhelpful guilt about letting people down. This is purely a learned reaction and can be challenged. It's causing you to say yes to things you don't want to do!! When you feel that voice is nagging, question it.

3 - You wouldn't be happy to see a friend or family member constantly overextend themselves, Treat yourself with the same understanding.....

4 - Clarity helps combat guilt. Therapy can help with this - decide what you can reasonably offer without too great a cost to you (eg. time, energy, emotional support) then you'll be less likely to feel resentment and burnout.

What does asserting healthy boundaries sound like?

"I'd love to help for the whole event but I can only commit to an hour"

"I'm not able to take that on right now"

"I'd like to work on one project at a time to make sure I give it my full attention"

Let's swing back to the part where I mentioned that this takes practice. It's likely that this isn't going to feel comfortable right away.

A feeling of initial guilt is normal and doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing, it means you're doing something new. Try to tolerate the guilt in the knowledge you are being authentic.

With practice, you'll see that relationships can survive you looking after yourself. And in turn your confidence to keep voicing your limits will grow.

Gradually and in time, you'll see boundaries as self-protection. A way of preventing overwhelm and protecting more valuable connection. It's also your energy preserver!

Remember.........small steps. you don't need to have an overnight personality change. Each small push-back or asking for more time for yourself builds evidence that you can listen to and honour your needs without harming a soul!

If you need help walking through this with someone who can support you through the uncomfortable changes, have a free chat with us and we can explain how we can help. It might only take a few sessions.

email - kelly@hertfortherapy.com